SUCCESSFUL DATING IS A MINDSET

OK Cupid

Probably my favorite app as an ethically non-monogamous, queer person in search of long-term partners. OK Cupid— OKC to frequent users— allows people to identify as non-monogamous in addition to a wide variety of sexual orientations and gender identities. This combined with its ample room for self-description and matching algorithm created from a seemingly infinite supply of questions makes OKC the go-to app for polyamorous people in search of commitment. It might not be the trendiest of apps, but I’ve still found several quality partners on this site over the years.

Based on user comments, this photo capturing my “fun” and “carefree” side does quite well. It’s a candid moment of me doing an activity that brings me joy, dancing! (It was also taken at my wedding. My ex sanctioned its use back when we were together, noting the convenience of an unconventional wedding dress.)

Tinder

As the originator of the heterosexual left and right swipe, Tinder took the functionality and function of gay male hookup app Grindr. While the dating app juggernaut has a giant database and some long-term relationships do originate there, they are hidden among a sea of attachment-avoidant individuals and regrettable second-night stands. In my opinion, Tinder is at its best when used traveling abroad. Since longevity is moot and English speakers from around the world use it to find one another, I never delete my profile entirely.

Tinder also has an algorithm that allows you to see which photos rate best among fellow users. I can tell you without question, bare skin presented in a way that isn’t overtly sexual does best on this platform. Given the aforementioned traveling usage, this is the spot for those beach photos in exotic locals. In my case, I don’t feel comfortable taking selfies, especially in a bikini, so this was taken by a friend mid-conversation. Later, when I went on Hinge, I used a video from this same moment, which features me organically laughing in the moment right after this was shot. In general, I think revealing photos should only be added to a profile if they don’t feel forced… a person should feel both comfortable in the photo as well as in the process of posting it. (That goes for men and their shirtless selfies, too.)

Bumble

Tinder’s slightly more serious (far more temperamental) unrelated sister attracts a user base which welcomes women making the first move. Despite the early prevalence of babebots, I loved this app when it was first introduced. Yet once they instigated their 24-hour time bomb option, hard-won matches often disappear before busy individuals like myself have a chance to respond. Still, the user base does tend to consist of people more open to strong, opinionated women who go after what they want, which is likely why action shots are virtually requisite. With that said, I didn’t take any of these photos for the gram and can carry an in depth conversation about all three of these activities. The best action shots are organic ones!

Luxy

I’ve tried a few of the “exclusive” apps. You know, the ones requiring an application process where members are accepted based on factors like income, conventional attractiveness, pedigree or fame. Luxy was the one I had the most luck with. And by luck, I mean I had some lovely dates with affluent men who reminded me of the men TV mothers would tell their TV daughters to try and snag one day.

While my photos that got the best reactions were once again exotic beach bikini pics, the site tries to keep it classy by requiring one’s primary photo always be a close up portrait, which I very much appreciate. Again, this photo is a candid shot from a dinner with friends.

Her

The 2019 go-to app for queers who date females. Originally it was geared toward lesbians, but as the trans, non-binary, gender-fluid, gender-nonconforming, two-spirit and other non-cis identified gender identities came out of the gender identity closet, this app adapted in most ways, except its name. Once lesbian-identified myself, a pansexual/bisexual identity has made dating other queers a bit more challenging; we are frequently perceived as “wanting our cake and eating it too.” Of course, I was the kid who wondered, “who wants a cake they can’t eat?”

Still, unlike when I first came out as polyamorous, many queers are also identifying as polyamorous these days. Photos like these are my best attempt to signal queerness, despite dating cis-men as well. Note how I feature my often hidden undercut, arm tattoos and also squeeze a leather harness into a close up portrait? Going with the theory that like attracts like on this one.

Feeld

Colloquially known as “the threesome app”, Feeld is not just a place to unite couples and thirds. It’s also a place where sexually-liberated singles and ethically non-monogamous partnered people go to find like-minded individuals. The app tends to emphasize the sexual component, but it’s where I found so much more with Jae. While some users can be sexually extreme (even by my standards), for our intro alone, Feeld is one of my favorites.

After all those apps, hundreds of matches, thousands of messages, and tens of thousands of likes, you might be thinking I resorted to accepting random dates to fulfill a gimmick for a book, but that’s not honest. That’s not me. I really was looking for love.

Every long term partnership I’d been in exceeded the one before; with my significant ex and I together an incredible decade. I couldn’t imagine anyone fitting me better than they had, so the bar was set to Olympic-qualifying heights. To medal meant opening myself to people I had yet to imagine.

That meant I had to fall in love with dating itself.

At times it felt a bit crazy. Sometimes it was sad, frustrating or unexpected. Sometimes it was exhausting. And then sometimes, it changed my life.

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